NOTE: Death Cafe on the 30th of January at SF Unity is closed to more RSVPS. Stay tuned for more dates. Thank you.
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What happens in a Death Cafe? It's a question....or it is THE question...a useful an open ended question. The Death Cafe organizers have rules. The lack of an agenda is listed on their website as practically sacrament or in the hushed tones I might use in a cathedral. That means each death cafe is different. Hosts never know how it will be. It depends on who shows up and that consistently varies. The one I recently attended in San Francisco was modeled by hosts who looked full of joyful anticipation...almost amusement at the surprise about to unfold. Safe, Sacred and Secular... In this one, there were the usual beginning bits when thoughtful strangers meet to talk about deeper subjects. Such as those of confidentiality, and the polite commonalities of etiquette, which are mostly covered in the golden rule. There was a grounded opening of the reading of a poem, followed by a moment of silence. The check-in was short, set the tone for the evening, and started to hint at what subject matter was on the individual hearts in attendance. I watched many in the group quietly called to nods of silent concurrence. These polite beginnings of many moved into the voiced frustrations with the aches and illnesses of living to such a ripeness that most humans of history would marvel. In my check-in, I quoted Ram Dass, in one of my favorite instantly resonating wisdoms, "We are all just walking each other home..." Home relating to the great mystery of our endings, which we are here this evening to become more familiar. Shedding Snake Skins A memorable elder lifted up the idea of shedding our 'skins' in that he had shed so many identities just like a snake in growing larger. I feel that way too, though I did not say it. There was a lot of quiet agreement in this Death Cafe. It is easy to resonate with a thought, previously only in my head but never voiced, which are then spoken-out-loud but not by me (or is that you). Attendance is largely about becoming intimate with these human commonalities, which our culture largely avoids and goes to great expense to ignore. It makes us less authentic... and smaller. "How people die remains in the memory of those who live on." – Dame Cicely Saunders (1918 - 2005) founder of the modern hospice movement Why do we live our lives as if we were immortal? These blinders on experiencing our 'others' endings, as they naturally occur within our lifespan increases the fear factor for our own experience of a good end. However, this gathering stands in opposition to that norm. There is an odd curiosity and joy here for a life examined... Curiously, I felt very alive that evening...and for the next few days. Life seemed a little more clear... and dear. For me, that was a good-enough reason to attend. It added to my resilience cistern...or at least my perspective. There is something very important here. If we actually own that we do not have all the time we might want, then we will be much more open to intensifying our efforts to save the world...or live our own lives to optimize satisfaction we might feel at our own surprise ending. An Arab-Berber immigrant to France from the Maghreb region (around Algeria) in northwestern Africa, Hassen Bouchakour, became the several times world champion in artistic dressage. He brought his culture's appreciation and respect of the sick and elderly. He is now demonstrating that culture of kindness in ways that align with his talent and purpose. He is uniquely reminding France and the International community of a higher road for our infirm. It is this mirroring and renewing gift of the immigrant that brings us back to our principles...and our principles back to us... Because of a loss of someone dear to him, Hassen began training his award winning stallion, Peyo, to control his balance on slick floors, to "make is needs on order" (aka potty trained...) and to get used to a whole lot of noise. According to an article written by Clémentine Mercier, a journalist from Quest-France, Hassen's goal is to make people understand that just because we get ill or old, we should not be abandoned. "We must not forget that there is always a heart that beats." - Hassen Bouchakour Hassen and the big stallion walk through the halls of hospitals and care homes together tending the sick, lifting morale and more. The horse is at home, rides the elevators, makes sharp turns in the corridors and is allowed to choose which rooms to go into. Many of us have heard of equine therapy... Horse therapy is where relatively able people go to a ranch or stable and interact with horses. It, like pet therapy, is effective for lowering blood pressure/heart rates, alleviating stress, and reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression. "Dr. Peyo", as many call the horse, and Hassen walk the halls of an elderly care home facility twice a month. The man and rider are in constant touch and connection with each other. The imposing horse brings a mysterious connection (or perhaps a re-connection) to the ill and frail. It seems to be reminding us of something pure and untouched in our own natures, which time and living tends to push aside. The horse is given reign to choose which room to go into, after a strict protocol of sterile preparation of fur, hooves, mane etc. Peyo always makes a connection with the patients. Their reactions are unexpected and hard not to describe as pure magic. "We must not seek explanations for everything." Dr. Marie Lombard, Geriatrician Hassen makes the point that " Peyo is not Lourdes..." but the transformation of patients that is seen by caregivers is miraculous. People are moved to awe, to appreciation, and to some new level of wonder. Nature as a healing force As a chaplain, I see how nature and references to the natural world at bedside are a consistent healing force of remembering something from our original natures or something untouched and pure. I can see how the imposing yet quiet power, and grace, watching from above, of this beautiful horse's head, a healthy person might be moved. But for those who are experiencing a tender human valley of illness and decline might be change. According to Elements of Behavioral Health, Equine therapy has many documented benefits:
Here is a video in English... Check out this video to see Peyo and Hassen in action. You can see the one re-made into English on my Facebook page. The following two videos are in French but shows more of the horses's interaction with the patients and a bit of the hygenic preparation they require before the horse is allowed into the skilled nursing facility. Can you imagine this ever happening in a SNF in the States? I would appreciate that miracle.
I was called to go to a patient's bedside... Sometimes it happens - less than you might imagine for hospice. We pretend we are in control, and we are, of some things, but life happens. It's like my Grandmother Annie said: "Everyone takes their time to be born and to die..." She had no idea I would be a hospice chaplain...and be quoting her wisdom to you decades later. Ah, life happens. But each death take a toll on caregivers... These little deaths can add up and my body keeps score. Even if my brain feels honored to do this work and the rest of me is also so very grateful, it can tally in my body as textbook trauma. I have found in the last six years that my body holds these little griefs and deaths. Peppermint takes you up, but lavender takes me down... In other words, caregiving and its incremental life and death dramas and losses will creep up on you and PRESTO I/you have accumulated enough embodied stress to get us sick. The issue for me, is that it is an equally slow release process. I would like to 'let it go' but physically, alas, I have not found that button. It is a slow drip, drip, drip of releasing. If I ignore it, stress can get deep pretty quickly. Naming the feeling and feeling it works too. Actually the quickest route is feeling the loss, and naming it as soon as it possible for a caregiver. Having a meltdown in front of the patient, is not useful. They are most likely unable to respond and you just feel foolish. But simply sitting with it is the most efficient way I have found to AVOID storing it for processing–later.
I have recently tried something new into my daily process - see if it helps you: I have now made a daily habit of using essential oils to train my body/mind/spirit...I am employing the wisdom of Pavlov's dog...to wake up or chill out. Aromatherapy is effective for getting under my skin and softening the accumulated stressors of caregiving. Try a bottle of Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Soap. This refreshing secret weapon has been around since hippie days and is no mainstream in many supermarkets. (Try it with a super exfoliating mit for extra 'letting go' superpowers.) No matter how stressed out you are as a caregiver, hey, we need to shower. To relax, I use lavender in various forms to trigger and align all my senses to the task that I do not need to hold on to another's story. To take them on, to embody to these stories and their associated sadnesses will not help me help them. It will not help me–in fact it gets in the way of being a good caregiver. When I leave a patient - during the day or at the end of my day, I use lavender anti-bacterial hand sanitizer to mentally relax...(I imagine it as allowing their story to pass out of my body and into the good Earth which knows what to do with it.) ( I use the anti-bacterial one which is simply alcohol and does not teach the germs to be super germs.) EO has a wonderful line of lavender which uses essential oils not some artificial, chemical clone of the scent...and it says its organic (which is bound to be better, right?) If it has been ...one of those days... where you never seem to catch up to the goodness. I take a lavender bubble bath or shower. Kiehl's has one a lavender series of liquid soaps, and lotions. Dr. Bonner's has one too... Try it...and let me know how it works for you. And Share yours. Please share your best 'how to get under the skin of stress' practices. It will make the world a more peaceful (an sane) place. |
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